I had the worst sleep last night...it was full of dreams of many insecurities in my life. It was strange and scary that these dreams would come up suddenly and unconsciously. But, they were just hazy dreams and reality is something different, it's solid and malleable at the same time.

I had a pretty dramatic day on Sunday...I worked myself up again and talked myself into something in a minute, only to talk myself out of it in the next. My mood was all over the place. I really thought hard about myself and why I had been feeling more unhappiness than actual happiness lately and then as I thought..I had an epiphany...well kind of. A few years ago I truly considered myself as a very easygoing, carefree type of person with a belief that I was a pretty emotionally strong person. I guess I even told people that relationships weren't for me and that if I ever did get into one I would be fully independent and wouldn't change much at all...

Well, a few years later, to this present day...I now see that I was bragging and didn't know what I was talking about...I hadn't experienced a serious relationship before and yet I could talk about it like I owned it. I could seriously whack myself across the head for thinking like that. I guess I had made the decision back then that that was how I would be perceived...my stubborness to believe anything different had blinded me for a while. I didn't dare to think I would change much but having that wake up call on Sunday made me realise that being with someone that you love and adore...can bring out something else out of you...and sometimes these traits aren't necessarily something to be proud of. Like, some of the characteristics that I see in myself now, did not even exist those few years ago...it was like they were buried deep down inside of me and only that one person with a key..no a shovel! could unearth them...yes I know it sounds stupid, but that is how I would describe it.

For the past 2 years, I really felt like I was being tested and challenged in a way and I was very much ready to blame all the hardship that I had experienced on him. I had like the worst moodswings, a split personality, I was really sensitive over the smallest things, I had insecurities the size of Mt Everest, I was demanding, unreasonable, manipulative and stubborn to the point of no help. I seriously sound like a crazy biatche (a more sophisticated bitch, haha)...is it even normal? Does this happen to anyone else..or at least to an extent? I asked myself if it was even healthy to fabricate negative things inside of the head, the answer is pretty obvious...but it was something that I did often, with a 100% garantee of an undesirable outcome. It made things worse because I would always be at boiling point, ready to explode, accuse, assume and demand. I only feel sorry for him for putting up with my unstable craziness...yet I thank him for staying with me...any sane person would've jet planed himself across the other side of the world by now (you Cbiatche!) =P

Having admitted that I am an insecure, emotionally unstable person with alot of internal and external craziness...I actually feel good about myself...truly happy that I've gotten something of worth off my chest. Phewwwwww, but now the hard part starts...the process of reforming...

I can do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!



Dearest Dorky,

It took a lot of energy to write this entry...I've noticed a lot of change in myself and I realised that it wasn't fair of me to keep adding stress to our relationship. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel bad for something that you didn't do wrong, I may have been PMSing or letting my wicked mind run wild again...I hope that you can forgive me. I promise to be more reasonable and try my best to not think of the worst. With all that's said, I am going to take a nap now...I'm exhausted. Love You!!